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Learning how to bring down the patriarchy one Molotov cocktail at a time

Photo by Teemu Paananen on Unsplash

One thing we know about Democrats is they are a billion times more accomplished at pounding the pavement, getting out the vote, and being the politically squeaky wheel than the GOP…and by the squeaky wheel, I mean shrieking at the top of their vape enveloped lungs. The dedication to supporting their communities runs so deep that even if they have to hold the hand of the 90-year-old senile grandparent to check the correct box on the mail-in ballot, they are willing to bare that burden. A perfect example of this is the Jamie Raskin-led Democracy Summer educational program. The program is described as follows:

I figured since I have some free time on my hands at the moment, I could go behind enemy lines and bring some modern get-out-the-vote tactics back to Mitch McConnell and Lindsay Graham.

Aside from being a year or two (ok, maybe, a decade or two) too old for the program, I have to assume the Dems won’t pull some ageism BS and hold that against me, so I figured I’d give it a shot and see if they’re willing to try and teach a geezer like me some new tricks. After all, I make up for what I lack in youth with cynicism.

I’ve attached my completed application for you all to check out. Let me know what you think (if you decide to apply, no plagiarism, please):

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Appropriately, after your name, phone number, and e-mail address, the next question on the survey asks what your pronouns are. I responded as necessary:

Then, we move on to the essay portion of the application…I suspect the standard of these essays will be less Ivy League and more Jill Biden Community Colleges. I should be able to make the grade there, but you be the judge.

Essay 1:

Ever since marching in the mostly peaceful George Floyd gatherings in the summer of 2020, I have been deep into “state-of-the-art tactics of political organizing” and have been honing the skills I believe are needed to make a kick-ass (in the most peaceful way possible, of course) political organizer this side of Obama.

I have successfully utilized the heckler’s veto on no fewer than five occasions, most recently within a mob of 25 non-binary people (including three who had been castrated, really inspiring) against an old Jew lady who was trying to tell us that we should stop handing out the Protocols of the Elders of Zion in front of their temple in Brooklyn. Yeah, right, bubbie…take that noise back to the beanie store you work in or whatever house you stole from a brave Palestinian Jihadi warrior. However, I think Democracy Summer can help to sharpen my skills. I’m pretty sure she almost put one of her Jew spells on me; I can’t be sure, but she started saying something about “the camps” or “Poland” or some other made-up Jew words. She might have been trying to turn me into bacon or something. That was a close one!

Also, to support the womb-havers, I started studying biology in my spare time and am offering free abortions to the needy (like those who don’t have a vacation house in Sag Harbor). No back-ally for these folks. Nope. I only need the dining room table and central vacuum system in my Greenwich, CT mansion. Our maid Juanita even assists (ok, she sort of has to, or I told her I would turn her into ICE if she didn’t).

I’ve also been brushing up on “essential lessons of political leadership.” I’ve read Mao’s Little Red Book at least six or seven times and had ChatGPT summarize Marx’s Das Kapital for me (the book is like 75 volumes or something like that; plus, all we need are the anti-capitalist slogans anyway, right?)

I’ve also taken up Molotov Cocktail design as a hobby and am at the point where I can now easily burn down an entire anti-abortion clinic with just two firebombs, so I figured I might be able to teach a class on that as well...just in case ;-). LMK.

I went the extra mile and made a flier for my training

Essay 2:

I am an innovative thinker. After-school, I typically spend about 13 hours on Twitch, but I kept having to get up to use the bathroom, so I looked into getting a colostomy bag to avoid wasting that precious game-watching time. I figured if I identified as a “Trans-Gamer,” I’d be able to find a doctor willing to cut out a piece of my colon, but it turns out those things are way too smelly, and realized wearing an adult diaper was almost as good. Now, I don’t need to move until I leave for school the next day.

One time, during an intense Overwatch viewing sesh, I forgot to change myself before leaving for school…let’s say that more creatures were passing out in Ms. Lahey’s biology class than just the dissection frog from the chloroform. ROFL.

Maybe we should hand out adult diapers to get more people to register. We could embroider cool sayings on them like, “Poop in here, so you don’t poop at the voting booth,” or “If this brand of diaper could withstand POTUS’s BM during China negotiations, it can withstand your Matlock smear too.”

Essay 3:

Once, a hedge fund capitalist pig (my dad) tried to tell me how I needed to get a job and start paying for my own stuff. But then, I had to drop some knowledge on him:

First, according to Obamacare, I can stay on my parent’s health insurance until I am 25; therefore, at 24 1/2, I am still legally a child. I wish I could say I’m surprised he supports child labor, but I’m not.

Second, if I get a job, I’ll need to drive somewhere, contributing to climate change. Greta is my ride-or-die bitch, so I say, no way (side note - have you seen that Greta 2.0 climate chick…yes please!). Sorry if he doesn’t care about how another .1 degree of warming will permanently wreck the migration patterns of the indigenous birds of Swaziland, but not all of us have the luxury to remain that ignorant. If he listened to AOC, he would know that humanity is going to end in seven years, so what is the point of getting a job anyway?

Upgrade!

Then, as an affront to my dignity as a human being, he offers to buy me an electric car…a Hyundai IONIQ! I grabbed the Balenciaga mailer to show him our address is in Greenwich, Connecticut, USA, not Somalia. It’s a Tesla X, or it’s a hate crime.

As my closing statement, I screamed about Christopher Columbus, 1619, and the holocaust of Trans people.

Needless to say, I stormed off to my wing of the house and haven’t heard from him in three days.

Essay 4:

One day Lucas, Alicia, Jaxon, and I were fish bowling Lucas’s car, and we passed this lawn sign that blew my mind. If a lawn sign could encapsulate a human soul, this one did it for me, with just a few minor edits. It read:

Black Lives Matter (other than Clarence Thomas), Women’s Rights are Human Rights (abortion should be legal until nine months postpartum), No Human is Illegal (except Trump voters), Science is Real (did I tell you about Agenderflux and Mirrorgender?), Love is Love (especially in a six-way), Kindness is Everything (unless you’re fighting to end Israeli apartheid).

Essay 5:

Aside from screaming at the Jewish slaveholder I mentioned earlier, I also published three black squares during the BLM protests, wore a pink pussy hat during the Woman’s March (I couldn’t go due to my previously mentioned Twitch obligations, but I did watch it live on CNN) and reposted Michele Obama’s #freeourgirls hashtag on Insta in 2014. Kony 2012!

And, guys, wouldn’t you know it…I got a response!

What do you think my odds are? If I don’t hear back soon, I’ll drop a note to Rep. Raskin…they are probably getting a lot of interest, and I don’t want my application to get lost in the shuffle.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

_Comstock