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Climb Aboard My Woke Spaceship
Who wants to save humanity with me?
Do you want a chance at riding on the Comstock rocketship? Well, now you can, for the low, low price of subscribing or sharing it on social media. Quite the deal, doncha think?
There was recently a Twitter post that got people all in a tizzy. During a DEI training (diversity, equity, and inclusion, for the uninitiated), an employee at a public university was forced to fill out a form that laid out this hypothetical scenario:
The twelve persons listed below have been selected as passengers on a spaceship for a flight to another planet because tomorrow the planet Earth is doomed for destruction.
Due to changes in space limitations, it has now been determined that only eight persons may go. Any eight qualify.
Your task is to select the Eight (8) passengers who will make the trip.
No problem, right? Let’s get the deets on these folks and figure out who will make this humanity-saving mission. Except that the only attributes provided were, as we should have expected, the categories which matter among the grievance entranced, woke-eratti…
Let’s forget for a second about the grammatical errors, the stilted language of the question, that this was called, unironically, “cultural competence training,” or if we should be concerned that the success of a humanity-saving rocketship hinges on being able to shed around 600 pounds.
Long-time readers of The Plant are likely expecting me to go off on some long-winded diatribe about this identity politics gobbledygook. But no, no friends, I have been meditating, eating my non-gmo Wheaties, and watching all the new shows on Netflix with the non-binary animals.
I don’t like this question.
I don’t love this question.
In fact, I wouldn’t care if this question was my first cousin; I would pretend we were in the back woods of Alabama, make sweet, sweet love to it, and have a bunch of inbred biracial “woke-questionnaire / Jewish” babies with it… that’s how worked up this hypothetical gets me.
In my best Marvin Gaye impression, let’s get it on.
However, I can’t jump right into this survey lovemaking like this is some Backpage whore questionnaire; that won’t do at all. This is a high-class Heidi Fleiss type of Rorschach test; we’ve got to take our time with it like a test taking Casanova or Matt Lauer. This is the future of humanity we are talking about here. We need to consider our options. Weigh the pros and cons. Do a regression analysis. Really go Pythagoras on this thing.
So before we get to the answer key of this cultural competence training (aka - my objectively correct answers), I’ll provide insights into my methodology to determine who will get aboard the USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit.
The entire question of “will humanity flourish or be lost to the history of the universe” is answered in this early stage. As Bill Bellicheck, Phil Jackson, or some European soccer coach I’ve never heard of (I’m an American, after all) will tell you, you must develop your game plan. The scorecard is as follows:
Ability to Procreate (points: 5 for women / 3 for men). Gotta have those wombs on the ship, so the system favors women. How’s that for feminism?
Can They Fix Shit? (points: 1-5). Pretty straightforward.
English, Do You Speak It? (points: 1-5 + bonus for extra languages). Just like everywhere else on Earth, the international language in space is English. Bonus points for polyglots.
Ability to Seduce Hot Aliens (points 1-5). You never know when you might meet a race of sex-fiend aliens or need to ensure the alien overlord’s kids put in a good word for us with his or her highness.
McGuyver Effect (points: 1-5). Are they resourceful? Making do with what we have will be vital since we don’t have directions to the Home Depot on Jupiter.
Clubhouse Effect (points 1-5). Are they a gel-guy who keeps everyone together? Or will they go all Christian Bale and scream at everyone who walks into their lighting? This isn’t Terminator, people; this is real life.
I’m the Captain Now, Bitch (stack ranking). This is the captain’s prerogative on the order I would most like to have them on board, based on nothing but my intuition (and who I find hottest).
Since this comes from the “department of DEI bullshit,” it’s fair to assume that any place a woke intersectional oppression category is not noted, it was not in favor of the candidate (e.g., if sex was not noted, it’s a misogynist man, if race was not noted, it was a descendant of plantation owners white, etc.)
Here we go in reverse order. Drumroll, please…
As a member of the tribe, this pains me not only because the lone Jew doesn’t make it onto the ship but he is the first contestant eliminated. To think, if the Jewish option was Sandy Koufax, Lenny Kravitz, or Richard Feynman, alien species could have known the wonders of hamantashen, challah, the Sabbath, and eternal maternal guilt. Still, alas, it was not to be as we were left with an old paper pusher of an ethnicity, let’s say, not well known for being handy with a toolkit.
Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei raba (inside joke for my Jewish readers)…
Does it say anywhere in the DSM-5 if being shot off into space helps with a substance abuse problem? Also, It would help if they specified what he was addicted to. If it was some fake addiction, like weed, that would have changed the math, but I couldn’t take the risk that it was an opioid or something that could tear apart the ship's morale. Can’t have him offering blowies in the off-hand chance someone smuggled Vicodins on board.
Even if he did get clean, do we need an accountant in space? Maybe if we found a space mall and decided to open a Cinnabon or Spencer’s, but that seems unlikely at this point. I doubt any alien species has reached that advanced level of civilization.
In theory, having a professional athlete would benefit an excursion like this; however, the whole vegetarian thing was tough to get past. I’m not sure if we will be able to have an organic farm on the ship, but I can double-check the floor plans to see if we can squeeze one in….nope, no space.
I cut his procreation score in half because, technically, he can drop a baby in a lady, but we don’t have the space to bring the gay porn on board that he can put in the background while he is doing the deed to keep him excited. Way too many moving parts when we have plenty of other dicks to go around.
I also hit him hard on the Captain’s Rank because, well, vegetarians are annoying as fuck.
Number 9 (aka - the last one off)
This was a surprising one to me because he got an extra point for the additional language, and a little prayer is always good in times like these (the destruction of the Earth and all), but ultimately, there is no way this guy can seduce an alien if called upon. I don’t know much about aliens, but I know enough that they are not turned on by preachy motherfuckers.
I also had to cut his Clubhouse score because this seems predominantly like a crew of Biden voters, and I don’t think they’ll be able to get past the whole “no homo” thing. However, as with the Miss America pageant, if any of the other passengers cannot fulfill their duties before lift-off, he is the first alternative.
Sorry, Padre. Gods speed
Number 8 (on the ship!)
By a mere half point, congratulations on being the first astronaut onboard the USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit. Where the Asian orphan edged out the Hispanic homophobe was in two areas. First, I gave him a 5 in his McGuyver Effect because, I mean, you’ve seen the students at top-level engineering schools in, right? I don’t know how much he can fix today, but this is a building for the future pick.
Second, the image I had in mind was of the guy who played Data in The Goonies and Shortie in The Indiana Jones franchise, so how could he not have a high Clubhouse Effect; the guy is a born mascot; (yes, I know he just won an Oscar for Everything Everywhere All At Once, but I didn’t see it and probably never will, so he’ll always be Data and Shortie to me).
The Muslim student is our first female to make it on board (spoiler alert - all the vagina-havers make it on board). Congrats to you.
Aside from having a uterus, I’m not sure how she will improve the ship because I have to assume she isn’t handy if she grew up in a traditional Muslim household, she isn’t going to be good with the men (because if she were, there’s about a 50/50 chance she would have been honor killed already), and there is the no-pork issue to deal with, which we almost avoided by getting rid of the Jewish administrator right off the bat.
Oh well, we need the babies, so she made the cut. Who says women are second-class citizens?
Number 5 (tie)
Upon initial examination, my thought process was that if you’ve got eight spots to repopulate the species, the disabled writer had better be Faulkner or Dickens to earn a place on this ship. Also, more specifics on the physical disability would be helpful. Are we talking about Stephen Hawking here? The kid from the movie Mask? John Wayne Bobbitt?
Then it occurred to me that all the men on the ship can’t be either physical specimens or 12-year-old Asians. We need thinkers. So sure, I only gave him a two on the Procreate score (without more details on his disability that was generous), a one on Fixing Shit, and a two on Seduction, but with the number of books he’s read, he can probably work through problems creatively, and he’ll be the go-to guy for life advice, making him a great Clubhouse guy.
Plus, I am partial to book people, and it’s my ship damn it.
Number 5 (tie)
Right off the bat, I like the aggressiveness; this guy screams alpha all day long, and I liked the armed thing. Will it help against alien space lasers? Probably not, but it can’t hurt.
Low Clubhouse guy and likely speaks a kind of snorting English (which is probably why he needed to beat that guy with his baton because he didn’t understand his Miranda Rights). Still, he can for sure McGuyver some shit together and make the alien ladies drop their interstellar panties.
This one is very confusing. She’s a 33-year-old, a Native American, and a “manager” but doesn’t speak English? She’s a manager of what? A team of software developers? A Walmart? A baseball team? Details are severely lacking.
And where is she a manager that she doesn’t need to speak English? Did she move straight from the reservation overseas to manage a call center in the Czech Republic and is now the only bilingual Czech and Navajo speaker in the universe? Very confusing profile.
At any rate, the lady effect wins out, and I’ll bet she’ll be the mom of the ship. Hopefully, she’ll bring her peace pipe on board so we can get wild as we’re hurtling through the cosmos.
Please be Ashley Judd, please be Ashley Judd, please be Ashley Judd, please be Ashley Judd.
Seduction - Of course, she’s hot, but we must ensure she doesn’t speak because that could ruin everything. Aliens will be bewildered when she opens a vein to confess her white privilege on a planet where the only skin tones are vermilion and aquamarine.
Procreate - yes, but that would mean you’re bringing another vapid actor’s child into the world (have you seen Will Smith’s annoying kids?), and it might be worth the end of humanity to avoid that, which is why she gets marked down in this classification.
Clubhouse - she’ll be as irritating as a Jar Jar Binks after a bump of coke and probably cause fights between the guys because she’s a cocktease, but she can put on shows to entertain everyone while simultaneously getting the attention she so badly desires that her daddy withheld.
Classic good news / bad news scenario.
The good news is all systems are go on her baby-making parts. The bad news is that it’ll be therapy time for this kid (which is unfortunate since we don’t have a shrink onboard) because when he learns his pill-popping daddy got ditched on Earth, that’s going to cause some intergalactic abandonment issues.
Plus, depending on how things work out, he may have to have sex with his mom in the name of saving humanity. Take one for the team, you self-centered little mamma’s boy (hmm, maybe I could have found a better descriptor).
He’s the Willie Mays of the USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit. A clear five-tool player. Militant and a medical student. Those skills could come in handy if we get into hand-to-hand combat with any aliens. Might he piss people off with his constant quoting of Malcolm X and WEB DuBois? Maybe. But those are the breaks when you’re fighting for the survival of your species.
And there you are, the final eight humans in the universe. A tiny Asian, a prude Muslim girl, a writer with a disability of unknown severity, a psycho cop, a Native American who somehow both manages people and doesn’t speak the native language, the annoying Hollywood starlet, an accountants wife with a soon-to-be, severely psychologically damaged child and the reincarnation of Huey Newton.
I’ve always said that DEI departments would be the end of humanity; never did I realize that would be prophetic.