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Eureka! They've Found A Cure for the Gay!
What a time to be alive...
Sometimes a scientific advancement is so monumental you need to take time out of your typical day to bask in its glory. To stop and consider how these discoveries force us to rethink our place in the cosmos.
Max Planck’s discovery of the quanta, the Chinese creating gunpowder, the guy who created the flush toilet, and now we have another one to add to our list.
Let me introduce you to Dr. Mariam Al-Sohel…
Dr. Al-Sohel, a Kuwaiti therapist, has discovered the cure for the gay! Hallelujah! Of course, nothing is perfect. This is terrible news for the fashion world and the folks making the atrocious new LGBTAD&^@ flags, but for the rest of us, let’s throw a (slightly less excellent) party! I know you are all sitting on the edge of your soon-to-be useless, pride day float to learn how Dr. Al-Sohel made this discovery, but first, let’s start with how I found this revelation.
There is an organization called the Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI), which translates Middle Eastern television shows from their native languages into English. I highly recommend you check them out. They do great work, which provides westerners insights into how global events are positioned to citizens in the Middle East. Additionally, some of the videos, well, hooooooooooo booooooooyyyyyyy…but I digress.
Through MEMRI, I was introduced to the scientific revelations of Dr. Al-Sohel when she was interviewed on the Kuwaiti television show Scope TV in 2019 to reveal her findings to the world. And now, I will do my best to present her findings to all of you, dear readers.
Though I am a layperson, I will try to translate her highly clinical language into something the unwashed masses can understand.
To begin with, in our time of high-minded credentialism, you must be asking yourselves, “Gordon, this sounds great, but I need to know where did this master of the scientific dark arts get her training? MIT? Harvard? Cambridge?” And my response? How DARE YOU accuse our dear doctor of achieving her doctorate at a pitiful little playschool like those. Not only did she attend the cutting-edge scientific college of the International Union of Universities in Turkey, but her doctorate is honorary.
And if I know anything about college degrees, I know that an honorary doctorate is only given to someone of such intelligence and who is held in such high regard that it would not only be a waste of time for them to fritter away their time in school but what professor could feasibly stand in judgment of their groundbreaking work. That’s why the degree is called an honorary degree because the honor is bestowed on the university to provide it to them1.
After all, how would people like Dr. Ben Affleck (Brown University), Dr. P-Diddy (Howard University), Dr. Celine Dion (Laval University), and Dr. Kanye West (ok, bad example) receive honorary doctorates? Do you think they hand these things out in boxes of crackerjack? Me thinks not. Moving on from this trite nonsense.
Another question that must have arisen in your mind is, “well, bullshit conversion therapy has been around for a long time, and that doesn’t work, so this isn’t just a new version of that, is it?” Pffffft. No way, that’s so 1996. Dr. Al-Sohel has an entirely new jam she’s rocking out to. This isn’t some crazy backwoods shit. This has been tested on people, so we know it’s legit because no garbage science has ever been tested on people, right?
Anyway, let’s get into the protocol so you can start implementing it into your gay life today!
It all starts with a balanced diet of bitter, sweet, salty, and sour foods to cleanse the body of poisons. Easy right? Can you feel the stress (and gay shit) leaving your body now? Aaaaaaaaaaah. So far, so good.
You’ll need to fine-tune to diet to your specific needs. According to Dr. Al-Sohel’s protocol, the male-oriented diet must focus on increasing muscle mass because more muscle means more masculinity. Duh. I mean, it’s science.
None of that pussy shit here. You might as well get swole while kicking the gay out of your body. Amirght? Or amiright?
All you westerners who your xenophobic nutritionists have indoctrinated probably think this means you get to eat all the steaks you want, right? You racists.
The proper, non-ultranationalist nutrition plan focuses on foods buried underground because, as I learned from the good doctor, those do the most to increase masculinity.
She doesn’t go into the science behind that, but I think I read somewhere that the high-protein dirt is absorbed into the vegetables through osmosis, and then through the transitive property, it turns the earth into protein. Don’t bother dragging out your ninth-grade biology textbook to check this out. You’re old, and science has likely evolved since then.
And we know observationally that it’s true because who doesn’t connect eating carrots and radishes to benching 500 lbs? Hell yeah! I can polish off some sweet potatoes like nobody’s business. My. Olympia, here I come.
And now, we have come to the final and critical step of the process.
Hold on to your hats for this one…or rather your buttholes.
Hold on, hold on, I know what you’re thinking now. Who can these suppositories work on? It seems too easy. Well, according to the good doctor, not only have these little babies been proven to work on boys of the “third gender” (?), but on the “fourth gender” of…butch lesbians!!! Sorry lipstick lesbians, there’s still no hope for you, but don’t be jealous. The next breakthrough may not be far off. Just be happy for your sexuality, brethren.
How do these magical butt pills work? Before we get there, you must understand how, according to the honorary degree doctor, someone becomes gay.
You see, when someone is sexually assaulted (because gay people are literally created through rape), gay anal worms feed on the semen, which in turn, makes someone gay. Where did the anal worms come from? Please don’t tell me your parents never had the birds and the gay anal worm talk with you? What, did you grow up in a religious cult? I can’t stand prudes.
Now, having learned how one becomes “a gay,” you can understand how these things cure the disease. The anal worms that turned someone gay would rather eat the suppositories than the semen, obvs.
What’s that, you ask? What’s in the suppositories? Uh, gay worm food, what else? Ask a stupid question, and all that…
Oh, do you doubt they work as advertised? Well then, what’s your theory behind their efficacy? You neanderthal. I wouldn’t expect a knuckle dragger like you to understand the vast science behind the gay anal worm theory like Dr. Al-Sohel and I do. I can’t believe there are still cretins like you roaming the streets.
Oh, speaking of advertisements, has Dr. Al-Sohel have a deal for you…
If you consider the fact that a $3.5M hemophilia treatment was just approved, this is a steal. For four easy installments of $19.95, the gay anal worms could be permanently feasting on your suppository and eat the gay out of you. After all, what’s worse, being gay, or spontaneously bleeding uncontrollably? I think the question answers itself.
In conclusion, I’m glad I could enlighten you today on the wonders of science. I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to (honorary) Dr. Mariam Al-Sohel. Let’s clear space for her on the science Mount Rushmore.
You may want to double-check me on that, but I’m like 75% sure that’s right.