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Hunter Biden's Art Critic
Did Hunter deserve the windfall he received?
This week, we learned that among the many scams the Biden Crime Syndicate has been running, Hunter Biden cosplaying Vincent Van Gough was likely one of them.
However, as one who never rushes to judgment, is it feasible that Hunter has been mistreated? Is it possible that rather than politically connected wannabes seeking to purchase influence within a President’s administration, they are simply discerning art critics with exquisite taste, and Hunter is reaping the financial rewards of his generational talents?
After all, the New York Times Jason Farago tells us in his exhibition review, “Mr. Biden, though not trained as a painter, has been making art since childhood, and I can say that the show is more substantial than an amateur’s dabbling.”
I could nitpick and ask if those childhood artworks Farago is referring to amount to more than finger paintings or smearing bloody boogers onto a piece of yellow-lined paper, but we’re talking the highfalutin world of art here, so I won’t debase myself in such a manner.
The only way to judge is to go to the source.
Allow me to remove my internet shit-posting cloak, retrieve my monocle and cigarette holder, and work on developing my severe underbite to judge Hunter’s artwork fairly.
First, let’s examine the credentials of the gallery proprietor who furnished the home for Hunter’s masterpieces.
Georges spelled with an “s?” The diacritical mark over the “e” in his last name? A second gallery in Berlin? This shrieks “refined taste” from dawn till dusk.
Next, look at Georges as he poses with the artist he pulled out of obscurity, Hunter Biden.
Hobbit-like body type. Round, thick black-frame glasses. Watch with a lady’s face. Legs in a full cross, playing off of Hunter’s man spread. If this guy doesn’t know high art, my name isn’t Gordon Comstock.
A good start for Hunter, I must say. Now let’s get to the art exhibition itself.
The theme of his 2021 exhibition is “The Journey Home,” where a wall is emblazoned with a quote from The Hero with a Thousand Faces author Joseph Campbell.
Forget Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, Frodo, or Neo. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Hunter Biden is the embodiment of someone following the “hero-path.” If there is anyone you could hope your children aspire to be, would you place anyone on a higher pedestal than Hunter? Me thinketh not.
Indeed, he has found “a god” in the “center of [his] own experience.” Granted, that god is a crack-addled, hooker-banging, sister-in-law marrying, tax-avoiding, daughter-neglecting, 50-year-old scam artist…but a god nonetheless.
Let’s get to the artwork. Note that the names below are what I assume them to be, not their official ones. But it’s a safe bet that I’m probably right.
Shaved head and toothless. I supposed adding the crackpipe would have been a little too on the nose.
Wound the Womb
The snake is Hunter’s dong, the trees are all the cracked-up hookers he’s banged (at least all he could fit on the canvas), and the open space in the middle represents the capacious vaginas of all those lovely, lovely Eastern European ladies.
Open for Business
In this piece, Hunter is making it clear he is willing to discuss more “business” arrangements with “partners” in Asia. The rising sun is a call out to Japan. The little red guy in the middle in a Taekwondo stance directed at Korean audiences. The bamboo shoots in the bottom half, calling out to the Pandas in China. The mountains are reminiscent of the Himalayas, which cut through much of the continent. All being overseen by a guy with aviator sunglasses on. Who could that be?
[editors note - I think I might be right about this one]
The Crackman Calleth
Crows fly toward the siren call of the local meth dealer who just got a new stash. Pandemic!
The Long Night
The Long Night takes place in the immediate aftermath of The Crackman Calleth, with Hunter passed out on a floaty off in the distance while the devilish crack hands are coming to drag him under again.
I also suspect that the artwork in the poll house is another of his pieces. He’s got a little Inception thing going on here. Christopher Nolan better hope Hunter doesn’t decide to get into filmmaking.
Hunter’s visceral response after reading Ashley Biden’s diary describing her inappropriate showers with Joe. He must have added some Goldschläger to the mix that night.
We get it, Hunter…you’re fiending for crack. Can you find a new theme for your art for the love of Christ? And could you please put some pants on? No one needs to see that.
In homage to Tracey Chapman, Hunter shows us his fast car. Except his fast car is a Porche…driving through a neighborhood…smoking crack.
Looking closely, you can also see the little children he ran over—a subtle yet intriguing touch.
And there we are. I believe the $1.3 million Hunter banked in on his artwork is totally on the up-and-up. No objective critic could possibly disagree, and if you do, there is a nice warm cell in the MAGA gulag for you.