Succession Clip Awards Show
Succession Clip Awards Show
Come walk the red carpet with me...
I was nearly despondent when I learned that one of my all-time favorite shows, Succession, was ending; however, that despair was alleviated when they gave it a nearly perfect ending. Logan’s kids got what they deserved, and they didn’t go with the expected “girl boss” ending…which would have been the obvious and easy thing to do since I suspect most of their viewers are left-wingers.
In honor of one of the great shows in history, I’ve decided to host an award show highlighting some of my favorite moments, so put on your red carpet best, pick which cause-of-the-week pin you want to stick to your lapel, and root for your favorite contenders on the first annual Succession Clip Awards Show.
Our first award will be presented by the woman who played Precious in that movie before body positivity was a thing.
The “Maybe I’m Hungry” Award goes to:
Lizzo
A more appropriate name for the award is probably, “You’re G-damn Right I’m Hungry,” but alas, we are stuck with the whims of the Succession writer’s room.
The pop star recently “clappedback” at the fat shamers by logging into Instagram and informing them that she “LITERALLY STOPPED EATING FAST FOOD YEARS AGO,” and “[t]his is what my body looks like even when I’m eating super clean and working out! Y’all speak on shit y’all know NOTHING ABOUT and I’m starting to get heated.”
Is Lizzo claiming that if she were in Auschwitz for two years, she would still look like she does today when she was liberated because that’s what her “body looks like?” Show me the one person who emerged from a Russian gulag with a 50” waist because they had a gland problem or bad genetics.
You also don’t wear this outfit, followed by photographers, to not get a reaction. That’s not a thing. And when people do react, what do you propose to do with the folks on the other side of the YASSSSS KWEEEEEN reactions?
Look, I am on board with the “you do you” manta; however, an associated mantra is “everyone else does everyone else,” and part of that mantra is people get to notice when an immensely famous person with a 75 BMI wears pants, sans the ass-covering part.
The reality is that the situation is a win-win for Lizzo, and she knows it. Either she gets the accolades for being “brave,” or she gets to sob her crocodile tears and play the victim when people point out that heart disease is looming around the corner for her.
The “It’s Me” Award goes to:
Donald Trump
As I’ve mentioned, I don’t hate Trump, but do you know what I like better than Trump? Having a Conservative/Libertarian in the White House. The only way I get what I want is if someone other than Trump is the GOP nominee, and to be more specific, Ron from Florida on line two. And that only happens if De/Da/Di/Du/Do/DySantis wins either the Iowa or New Hampshire primaries. Short of that, imagining him staying in the race is impossible. Even if he wins one but gets blown out in the other, again, he’s done for. With that commentary, let’s look at the polls.
Iowa: According to McLaughlin & Associates, among likely GOP voters, Trump has a 25.5-point lead over De/Da/Di/Du/Do/Dy (49.5% vs. 24%)
New Hampshire: According to National Research Inc, Trump has a 21-point lead (39% to 18%).
To quote Shiv, “Oh fuck you. Really? Fuuuuuccccckkkkkkk youuuuuuuuu.”
For all the people out there who feel me, hugs all around like our billionaire patriarch who, when he realized he bred a bunch of incapable (Ken), entitled (Shiv), severely mentally damaged sex fiends (Rome), placed us in a circling firing squad, and passed on to the great cable news network in the sky.
The “Cunt Is As Cunt Does” Award goes to:
L.A. Celebrities
Pointing out the myriad ways liberal celebrities are hypocrites is as easy as finding an OnlyFans girl who will tell you how much they worship dad bods and 5”…members. Examples number 1.73 million comes courtesy of the L.A. Times; Celebs dodged millions in L.A.’s ‘mansion tax.’ Meet the industry guarding their wealth, in which they detail something called the “wealth defense industry.”
From the article:
Even before voters passed the measure, bringing a 4% transfer tax on all property sales above $5 million and 5.5% on sales above $10 million in the city of L.A., attorneys and real estate agents began devising ways to shirk it. In the waning days of March, luxury homeowners made increasingly desperate attempts to sell their long-held properties before the deadline.
For outsiders to L.A.’s extravagant real estate scene, the numbers didn’t quite add up. Many sellers chopped the price of their home so low, or tossed in so many luxury goodies, that it would’ve been cheaper to simply sell at the original price and pay the tax. And some whose houses sold before the law took effect have spent many millions more on charity than the amount they saved in avoiding the tax.
The article goes on to detail how Brad Pitt, Mark Wahlberg, Colin Farrell, and Ari Emanuel, among others, dumped their houses for, in some cases, less than they paid for them, all to avoid this new tax. They prefer their own charities because then they can decide how the money is spent and ensure it all goes to solar farms for indigenous cannibal tribes in Papua New Guinea…oh and of course, by giving through their charities, they get a tax write-off.
Never forget that these cunts vote for people they know will raise taxes that will never affect them because they have the “wealth defense industry” behind them, minimizing the taxes on their 15,000 square-foot houses and Maybachs.
Who is helping you minimize the taxes on your two-bedroom condo and Hyundai? H&R Block or, if you’re lucky, Cousin Carl, who retired from his accounting firm 15 years ago and has never filed taxes electronically.
Good luck, sucker.
The “All Bangers, All The Time” Award goes to:
Travis Lohr
Lohr doesn’t have the profile of Lizzo, The Donald, or Hollywood celebs trying to write off their $5,000/week coke habit, but he does indeed produce bangers; and by “bangers,” I mean saying things that are sheer commonsense but many people in our society reject because we have lost our damn minds.
According to the Idaho Tribune, in a session for the graduating seniors to furnish advice to the lower classmen, Lohr had the temerity to tell the young ‘ens, “Guys are guys and girls are girls. There is no in-between,” and for that transgression against leftist dogma, the school administration suspended him from participating in graduation.
A group of students decided to send strong Donna Martin Graduates vibes and held a walk-out to protest this decision. Sadly, they didn’t have Brandon Walsh organizing the protest, and Lohr did not attend graduation.
If he had told the lower classmen that there were 8,301 genders, would he have been suspended? It will have to remain a mystery.
Travis, I hope this award can ease the pain of not sitting in a 75-degree school gymnasium through a bunch of speeches from people you probably couldn’t stand and will never see again.
The “You Think I Want You Dead?” Award goes to:
VP Kamala Harris
I will assume that I don’t have to explain this one…
The “Everyone Fucking Hates You” Award goes to:
Justin Wolfers
Since the boycott of Target for its gay pride displays, the company has lost over $15B of its market cap. The drop is so severe that Elon Musk said he expects the company to get hit with a class action lawsuit by their investors.
Whatever you think about the boycott, I hope we can all agree that a boycott does not amount to Al Qaeda-like terrorism, right? Apparently, not all of us.
Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist, and self-righteous prick, said on an MSNBC panel that boycotting Target is “literally terrorism” (fast forward to around 5:45). As per usual for clowns of this ilk, Wolfers is not against boycotts, just boycotts against things he likes.
As Jonathan Turley recounts, Wolfers doesn’t believe he is donning a homicide vest and rushing into a Tel Aviv cafe when he tries to get colleagues fired for disagreeing with liberal hobby horses, as was the case when fellow economist and University of Chicago professor Harald Uhlig had the temerity to tweet:
“Too bad, but #blacklivesmatter per its core organization @Blklivesmatter just torpedoed itself, with its full-fledged support of #defundthepolice.”
For holding this audacious perspective, Wolfers led an effort to have him fired from his job as the senior editor of a prestigious economics journal (the Journal of Political Economy), where he found other nominees of the Everyone Fucking Hates You award, such as Paul Krugman, to go along with his absolutely not terrorism crusade.
Fuck this guy and his blue glasses…
And for the final award of the night…
The “I’ll Put A Hole In The Back Of Your Fucking Head” Award goes to:
Walgreens
Due to a massive spike in retail thefts in cities throughout the U.S., many retailers are simply shutting down those stores because they are not profitable (or safe) to operate any longer. However, Walgreens is attempting a different approach by rolling out new “anti-theft’ “stores.
In the new stores, there are only two aisles where shoppers can take items for themselves; for all the other sundry items, shoppers must order via a digital kiosk and pick up their orders at a counter.
Some people were not happy about the changes. Still, if the choice is between fighting for your life every time you enter a Walgreens like you’ve walked into Baghdad post-Saddam, shutting down the store, or ordering from a kiosk, I suppose this is a reasonable trade-off.
I assume the next step is gun turrets, thus the award.
That wraps up our show, so meet me at one of the afterparties…and don’t forget your blow and sex consent forms.
Finally, I know you were all waiting with bated breath for the results of the 72-gender test from last week, and I am very disappointed in all of you, as you did fairly well. Have I taught you nothing?
Question 1: Correct Answer - Phalanxgender
Question 2: Correct answer - Swiftiegender
Question 3: Correct answer - AIDSgender
Until next time
_Comstock
Succession Clip Awards Show
As a fellow Succession fan, this is absolutely brilliant. How did you clip and embed the videos? I feel like I have to watch the entire series over again focusing on Tom's moves, what a character and an actor.
An awards ceremony like no other. Brief, to the point, no dreadful lip-synced musical numbers, no commercials, and thankfully no yammering acceptance speeches. And I did feel the urge to clap unlike every other award show I regret watching.