The Kids are Fat and Helpless

…just ask your pediatrician

I love writing this stuff, but I also love to grow my audience (I am an attention whore, after all), so if you would be so kind as to subscribe and share these posts on your socials, it would be much appreciated). Thank you

-The Management

Would it be possible for us to get any lazier? As I write this, a sloth just woke up from its 20-hour nap somewhere in a Panamanian forest, is chewing on a leaf (or whatever hell-food they eat), hanging from a tree, looking at us humans, and saying to his slothian buddy, “G-D DAMN, those humans are lazy!”

The examples to prove Mr. or Mrs. Sloth’s viewpoint (I don’t want to assume genders) are manifest. We read far fewer books than in the past, but that’s not because we are getting out and doing more shit, because we aren’t… we’re fat as fuck. We aren’t hanging out with friends because we increasingly don’t have them. So what are we doing? We are trying to find something to watch on one of the seventeen streaming services we subscribe to, but once we find something, we are even too lazy to concentrate on that, so we scroll on our phones and tablets. We sure as shit are playing a lot of video games. Oh yeah, and porn. We’re watching a ton of porn.

I’m not trying to be old man shaking his fist at the geese on his lawn because look, you-do-you…but what’s really disturbing about all of this is that the people who should be telling the video game playing, Netflix scrolling, friend ignoring, bukkake watching gnomes to go out and check out the color of the sky once in a while, are doing the exact opposite. The “experts” say that the problem isn’t with them because they can’t help it, but rather people like me who tell them to get off their asses. “It’s not their fault,” they say, “the world is against them,” they say, “making love to a hostess cupcake before you eat it is perfectly sanitary, they say.”

We could point to several places where this “laziness-as-a-virtue” ideology started, but the place this seems to have become widespread was from the start-up concept of “hacking” culture. Now, this concept wasn’t flawed at its inception; at start-ups, when you try to juggle 15 flaming torches at once due to limited resources, you have to maximize your efficiency. However, its metamorphosis has been into a culture that says there’s a shortcut or secret trick to everything (work, health, dating, intelligence, etc.), and if you find this simple trick, you can become a jacked, Einsteinian billionaire who only works when they feel like it, which is basically never; aka - hard work is for suckers.

I first saw this concept escaping silicon valley culture to become part of the zeitgeist in Tim Ferriss’s book The Four-Hour Workweek. I’ve heard Ferriss defend the book by saying that the message isn’t to sit on your ass the rest of the 164 hours each week you aren’t working but rather to free up your time for other endeavors.

Let me call bullshit on this. I mean, look at the cover of the book.

It is literally a dude in a hammock, probably wasted from his seventh pina colada, lying around, waiting to get a tan ala Magda from There’s Something About Mary. In Ferriss’s mind, he is probably on a private tropical island which he bought by selling his boutique SaaS firm to Microsoft for $500M, when in reality, he is in his backyard, swinging from two blow-up palm trees, waiting to hear back from the three angel investors he e-mailed, to get funding for his dog contact lens business.

So Tim, give me a fucking break. You are encouraging people to be lazy. Fine, you’ve made a shit ton of money on the back of this concept, but don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining, agree?

The point of this tirade is because of a news article from CBS entitled: “Consider drugs and surgery early for obesity in kids, new guidelines say: ‘Waiting doesn’t work.’” The American Academy of Pediatrics has updated its obesity treatment guidelines, which now include recently FDA-approved anti-obesity medications for 12-year-olds and bariatric surgery for 13-year-olds. Excuse me?

Dr. Ihuoma Eneli, the director of the Center for Healthy Weight and Nutrition at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, informs us that “waiting doesn’t work.”

Of all the stupid shit I have heard in my life (and I work in corporate America, so it is substantial), this has to be the most vapid, brain-dead statement I have ever read coming from someone who is an MD. I hate to pull a Bill Clinton here and ask for a definition of “is,” but I would love to find out from the esteemed Dr. Enenli what “waiting” means. Does it mean the kid continues to sit around playing League of Legends for 15 hours a day, eating seven bags of Doritos, training to become the next big eGamer or some shit? Then yes, I would say the doctor is correct.

In all her brilliance, Dr. Enenli has discovered that if you continue to do the same thing that made you sick in the first place, you will continue to get sicker. If only Dr. Eneli were around during the height of the smoking epidemic! She could have wowed us with insights like, “if you keep smoking, your chances of lung cancer will increase.”

If only she had been born a few decades earlier, imagine all the lives she could have saved with her incisive brilliance. She is a modern-day Louis Pasteur.

Or does she mean trying to get kids to change their behavior doesn’t work, so we should throw our hands up and say, “oh well, screw it? We’re already pumping these kids full of Adderall and cutting their tits and dicks off, so what’s another drug in the cocktail and irreversible surgery?” Someone warn Tony Robbins he has some competition in the motivational speaking biz.

Another doctor cited in the article, Dr. Sandra Hassink, says t“[t]his is not different than you have asthma and now we have an inhaler for you.” This is 100% accurate, with a couple of caveats.

First, for genetic forms of asthma, you can do nothing to rid yourself of it other than stop breathing, but I suppose that’s a temporary fix. However, there is something I can do about being fat. Not only can you do something about it, but for the guys out there, I have a full-proof way to know when it’s time to put a salad in the mix (sorry ladies, I don’t have a hack for you on this one). Here’s what I do…when I am in the shower, if I look down and can’t see my dick, I can stop stuffing so much trash in my mouth and, like a magician pulling a motherfucking rabbit out of a top hat, my dick reappears from the ether., a couple of weeks later. Imagine how that works.

Second, inhalers to treat asthma have been around for over 60 years, unlike this new drug which has been around for about 60 seconds. But, since these kids are already on their fifteenth covid booster, take Adderall and four different antipsychotic medications, what’s one more prescription to throw into the mix?

Finally, I’ve never had a doctor tell me, “you know, Gordon, the best treatment for your asthma is lung surgery.”

Another genius from the University of Minnesota, Aaron Kelly, says, “Obesity is not a lifestyle problem. It is not a lifestyle disease…[i]t predominately emerges from biological factors.”

Then why has the obesity rate for children quadrupled, from 5% in 1971 to 20% in 2020 (I can’t wait to see how much fatter our kids became during Covid)? Has our biology changed that dramatically in the last four decades? Has evolution somehow now selected for teenagers with a 45 BMI? Could you explain to me how that works, Darwin?

One thousand years ago, it would make sense if fatter people were preferred due to food scarcity, but in the year of our lord, 2023, due to the abundance of food in the western world, you would think that evolution would select leaner people since people don’t need the extra body weight any longer, and are otherwise better fit for survival in the modern world. Even someone who got a solid C+ in seventh-grade science could rationalize that.

But of course, evolution doesn’t turn on the dime like that anyway, so this whole discussion is academic gobbledygook.

As an aside- what happened to the body positivity movement that started about two months ago? As a teenager in the 90s, the Victoria’s Secret catalog was our version of porn (that and watching the scrambled Spice channel, trying to figure out if that was a tit or a foot). Now, it’s full of women who need the seatbelt extender on planes. I thought we were supposed to be happy at any size. I’ll tell you what happened; these doctors are fat-phobic. Where can I report these charlatans and get their medical licenses pulled? I demand answers!

All of this medicalization-of-life comes down to two factors: 1) we have become so helplessly lazy that doctors are giving up and saying these kids’ parents are useless, so let’s pump them full of drugs and chop up their insides, and 2) the pharmaceutical companies wholly own them.

There is something else very odd about this situation. Read this paragraph:

“The longstanding practice of "watchful waiting," or delaying treatment to see whether children and teens outgrow or overcome obesity on their own only worsens the problem that affects more than 14.4 million young people in the U.S., researchers say. Left untreated, obesity can lead to lifelong health problems, including high blood pressure, diabetes and depression.” [emphasis added]

For decades, before the medical establishment abandoned the “do no harm” principle, “watchful waiting” was the strategy used for gender dysphoric kids (until we decided to, once again, connect pre-teens to an IV drip of drugs and cut out useful organs…see a pattern here?). This strategy was employed because the vast majority of kids outgrew the belief that they were the opposite sex and became gay. How has this concept spread to being fat? Coming back to the point made about Dr. Enenli, when did anyone ever say to an overweight teenager, “let’s keep doing what you’re doing and see what happens? Maybe physics will change by the time you’re an adult, and your seven-times-per-day Taco Bell habit will make you into Mr. Olympia. I’d say the chances are about 50/50.”

Now, there is an alternative to the medical establishment being corrupted by pharmaceutical companies, or at least an adjacent theory…that this is all one big eugenics project. Let’s confuse the shit out of kids as early as possible, convince them that they can change their gender every second, and when they buy into our bullshit, medicalize our implanted mental breakdown, and then sterilize them before they understand the ramifications of their decisions. Now they have moved on to, let’s get kids as fat as possible by giving everyone bullshit advice on what to eat (thanks FDA), and rather than trying to take the least invasive path to correct the situation (teaching them good eating habits and exercise), we again have an itchy trigger finger to give them brand new drugs (which, in theory, these kids could be on for, literally, 100 years) and to cut them open…all before they have pubes.

I mean, what the hell are we doing here?

Maybe I’ll go live with the sloths…at least I can’t hear them getting fatter.

_Comstock