I’ve always been a guy who tried to avoid where the crowd was going. There were certain bands I refused to get into just because their fans annoyed the crap out of me (I’m looking at you, Deadheads, Parrotheads, and whatever the annoying Phish fans in high school called themselves). The other thing I avoided for approximately this same reason was Dungeons & Dragons, which was beneficial because it availed me of the possibility of having sex before my 30th birthday (trust me, I needed all the advantages I could get). But today, I present to you an article on just that topic.
If you are so inclined, please feel free to subscribe or share this with your Dungeon Master friends.
There is a joke in the webosphere about how if you type anything in Google and add the term “racist” or “sexist,” you will come up with an article justifying one of those -isms.
Think I’m wrong? Try it for yourself.
Do you like Air Conditioning? Nice job supporting the patriarchy.
Ladies, are you wearing hoop earrings right now? Why do you hate Hispanic people (Latinx, actually)?
Have you ever quoted Beyonce’s lyrics? I assume you moonlight as a KKK Grand Wizard then too.
It is a virtually bottomless well of grievances from which the woke can draw sustenance. However, there is one clan of geeks. One fiefdom of nerds. One collective of dorks who have escaped the ire of the woke cancel squad…until now.
At the recent annual meeting of the organization of balding, ponytail-wearing incels, more commonly known as the Dungeons & Dragons Creator Summit, D&D lead rules designer Jeremy Crawford informed the fleshlight owning mass that:
Our team are game designers and storytellers, we’re not experts in culture and inclusion[…]So we’re focused on what damage should this creature do. That’s why everything goes through inclusion review now so everything in our game brings out delight. Even reprints are going through inclusion review. That’s why some older books are changing, too…
And one of those changes is:
Frankly, we are not comfortable, and haven’t been for years with any of the options that start with ‘half’,[…]The half construction is inherently racist so we simply aren’t going to include it in the new Player’s Handbook.
The good news is that players can still unofficially make their half-elf or half-orcs (and by doing so, remain full-virgins). Still, sadly, due to their removal from core materials, they won’t be able to use them in an < don’t laugh, don’t laugh> “officially sanctioned event.”
Full disclosure - I once played D&D at someone’s house in middle school. Oddly enough, my puberty stopped progressing for several weeks afterward, well before it became a billion-dollar industry to make that happen. Has anyone considered starting boys with gender dysphoria on D&D to stop their puberty? Just a thought.
These losers are pissed off, and I get it. If something I cared so much about had to deal with bullshit accusations like this, I would be too. So, like an avenging angel, here comes Gordon to the rescue. I’ve devised an entirely new set of characters that will pass muster with the Big Brother D&D cultural sensitivity crew and add a new depth of play to the game.
My only concern is that if these are as good as I think they are, it could lead to a new renaissance for the game, and frankly, the birth rates of the Western world can’t handle that right now. Allow me to introduce you to an entirely new world of woke geekdom!
Gordon’s Woke Approved D&D Characters
Crying College Student (CCS)
Names: Madison, Olivia, Liam, Oliver
Weapons: Free Palestine sign, 2022 BMW SUV
Defense: Calling everyone who disagrees with them a bigot, Twitter cancelations, Escaping to safe spaces
Traits: Obnoxious, Irrational
Description: Bejeweled by the riches of their tech mogul, law firm partner, or radiologist parents, the CCS can be easily identified by their battle cry “REEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!” One characteristic that makes the CCS unique, is that its battle cry and rationale underlying most of its beliefs are the same word. A CCS is incredibly predictable in its arguments but unpredictable in its attack vectors (due to the lack of oxygen in its brain because of its constant hyperventilation). As opposed to other races of woke characters, when approaching a CSS in battle, ensure to make loud noises. This will confuse them by making them think they are in their natural habitat…a protest march.
Terrified Female College Swimmer Who Won’t Say Anything About the Man The Next Swim Lane Over (TFCS)
Names: Amelia, Isabella, Ava
Weapon: Death Glare (from watching a man with a 7” boner walk around its locker room)
Traits: Fear, Humiliation
Language(s): None (they are too terrified to speak)
Description: The most terrified of the characters in the woke D&D realm, the TFCS is overcome by its fear of social isolation and scorn from its fellow woke D&D characters (especially the CCS). Therefore, the TFCS operates in the shadows, out of view from anyone who could potentially cost them a future job in a corporate HR department or social media marketer for a fashion brand. Their devastating Death Glare attack is only delivered from behind their foe, never in a place where they might perceive the attack and respond with revoked job offers, rescinded graduate degree acceptances, or cancelation. Deep down, most of the other woke D&D characters pity the TFCS, but someone has to be the doormat…even in the woke D&D realm.
Middle-aged journalist, confused by woke Gen Z staffers (MAJ)
Names: Mike, Matt, Carl, James
Weapons: Twitter Screeds, News articles utilizing “unnamed sources.”
Defense: Ignoring all internal slack channels, Head nodding when told about the Gen Z staffer’s “life experiences.”
Traits: Lives in constant fear of saying the wrong thing to their 23-year-old Columbia Journalism School grad, demisexual, half-black, half-Hispanic, immigrant, descendant of slaves, wheelchair-bound colleagues.
Language(s): English (especially the Oxford comma, which they will be happy to tell you about no matter how little you give a shit)
Description: The MAJ is a master of mimicry. Due to its lack of understanding of its younger colleagues, the MAJ never knows what action will initiate an attack from those in Gen Z; therefore, when it speaks, it does so in order to prove its complete alignment with the younger staffer’s point of view. While even deploying this tactic, the MAJ cannot be assured freedom from attack, but it dramatically reduces the odds. As confused as the younger generation makes them, the MAJ is equally vicious on Twitter, attacking those questioning its ventriloquist doll-like perspective. An extension of this attack is using unnamed sources to castigate their foes.
Vice President of HR (VPHR) -
Names: Brenda, Jessica, Jared
Weapons: Corporate handbooks, Mind-numbing PowerPoint presentations
Defense: Firing an employee with cause
Traits: Constantly trying to prove their value, Judgmental
Description: The VPHR is among the most dangerous of the woke D&D races. As a shape-shifter, it seamlessly sheds its true form of never having accomplished anything of value in its career and dawns an air of moral superiority with a chip on its shoulder. Experts in the ancient skill of “mau-mau-ing,” it is always on the lookout for the tiniest transgression for which it can violently assault its victim with the 7,000-page corporate handbook and point out how chapter 5, section 13, subsection 9, line 4, clearly states that “in the unisex bathrooms, penis-ed people will leave the toilet seat down for the vag havers.” However, its most potent attack is its PowerPoint presentations which cast a spell over all who view “the deck” and turns them into brainless, establishment zombies. In some cases, even the most senior leaders at companies live in fear of this race, as it vastly outperforms its apparent skills and ability.
ESG Banker (ESGB)
Names: James, Robert, Jeffrey
Weapons: Overpriced, underperforming investment vehicles
Defense: World Economic Forum, UN Climate Reports
Traits: Pretentiousness, Never interacts with anyone who makes under $10 million per year
Description: A master of deception, the ESGB race will use financial wizardry to make its foes believe it is serving their best interests when, in fact, it serves a higher, more powerful master; their 20,000-foot West Palm Beach mansion. It does not fear any overseer (or regulatory agency) and is a master of building houses of cards using million-dollar bills. If ever questioned about why their supposedly environmentally friendly funds both charge higher rates to invest in and underperform the market, the ESGB uses one of its wide array of defense mechanisms which include global warming, the gender pay gap, or election integrity…depending on the attack vector of its opponents. The ESGB is not an opponent to be toyed with, as it has a Rolodex full of MAJs it has bought off to run cover for its deceptions.
80-something-year-old politician trying to understand AI (80POL)
Names: Bernie, Mitch, Barbara, Nancy
Weapons: Government subpoenas, Cable news appearances
Defense: Onset of senility
Traits: Pretending to understand how a telex differs from Facebook, Condescension, Arrogance
Language(s): Political mumbo-jumbo
Description: The 80POL is a formidable race in the woke D&D world. The 80POL is empowered to make rules about a technology a billion times more complex than setting the clock on their VCRs in the 80s, which they also never figured out. How do you explain string theory to someone who lost 20 IQ points over the last decade from their below-average IQ starting point? Their enemies had better figure it out quickly because the 80POL is on the march. Easily convinced by shrieking headlines (often written by the MAJ) and Taylor Lorenz re-tweets about how AI will be the end of days for humanity, the 80POL freely wields its government subpoena throwing star as if there is a never-ending supply (which there isn’t). It also enjoys appearing on friendly cable news networks, which serves the dual purpose of refilling its arrogance trait and employing a broadside attack against its enemies. A fascinating attribute of the 80POL is that when it is made to look ridiculous (which is often), they can utilize other characters who will exert the senility defense on their behalf (called “ageism” when most effectively deployed).
Special Characters (only obtainable at woke D&D level 75):
We are now reaching the level of woke D&D characters that only the truly dedicated, the most skilled, and the uniquely flaccid will ever hope to achieve. Imagine, in just one or two sexless decades, you may be able to obtain greatness. The odds are against you but keep the faith.
Prime Minster Black Face (Justin Trudeau or JT)
Names: Justin (aka – Fidel’s son)
Weapons: Brain Suck, Handsome Fascism
Defense: Never lets common sense get in his way, Can don the Trudeau sari as an extra level of defense
Traits: Unearned righteousness, Tendency to despotism
Language(s): English, French
Description: Along with the ESGB, the JT race is a master of duplicity. Even its origin story is shrouded in mystery; was its father the funny-looking fellow it claims or the handsome despotic leader its swinging mother had an affair with nine months before it was born? It typically starts its onslaught by sweet-talking its enemies. If that approach isn’t effective, it will move to a press conference to deploy its Brain Suck attack, which often reduces its enemies to mind-drained soulless human puddles white utilizing very little of its beta-level energy. However, if that is also ineffective, it will move to its most vicious attack whereby it implements baseless woke claims as a precursor to its barrage of Handsome Fascism to steal people’s bank accounts, force people, out of their jobs, and not allow them to leave their homes. Approach with caution. While both boyishly handsome and mind-numbingly stupid, the JT is not one to be trifled with.
Creepy German Guy (Klaus Schwab or KS)
Weapons: Mind Control of Elites
Defense: Blackmail (probably)
Traits: Makes your skin crawl, Terrible at hiding his creepiness
Description: Much like the Emperor in the Star Wars universe, though the KS race appears to be on the verge of death, do not let your guard down against it; its power only seems to grow as its human form decays. The KS race is unique in that he doesn’t hold any direct power, but rather the influence of its Mind Control allows him to accumulate among those who wield actual power. Whispering sweet nothings into their ears, like a woke D&D version of Iago, can convince the powerful to do his bidding on behalf of creating a new world order, which will only magnify the power of the already powerful. To those in the traditional D&D universe, the KS would seem to inhabit a repulsive form that would cause many of them to retch and want to shower with a brillo pad, but in the woke D&D world, the KS is the height of beauty and excellence, of the human form.
There we are, my contribution to the new world of woke Dungeons & Dragons. I will submit these to Mr. Crawford over at D&D headquarters to gauge their interest level. If they buy my characters for a cool $10 million, then it was nice knowing all you poor Sub-Verses fans. If they don’t, then I guess I’ll be back soon, shit-talking something else.
Great job! I know if there's one group that has all the power and just goes around oppressing women and minorities all day, it's gotta be those D&D nerds! Hopefully they'll do the work and smash the cis-hetero-normative-white-supremacist patriarchy! Playing this game you've designed will be a step in the right direction for them!
never played it but I am 100% sure you nailed it. brilliant. thanks so much. so what are fauns?? what are satyrs? what is two and a half men.?? so many questions