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The Stylish John Fetterman
An awards show for the ages
To the future, not yet subscribed Comstockians, please consider subscribing to your lowly jester’s substack. After all, are you not amused? Wait, you don’t know yet because this is at the start of the article. Ok, I’ll come back to you…
This will be a short one, but I could not resist commenting on it.
Earlier this week, the New York Times released their “93 Most Stylish ‘People’ of 2022.” I first heard about the list because of the conga line of folks on Twitter ridiculing John Fetterman’s inclusion.
Say what you will about John Fetterman, but the use of “stylish” as an adjective with which to describe him happens as frequently as “demure” is used to describe AOC or “capable” to describe Sam Bankman-Fried of FTX infamy.
I had to see this for myself. But here’s the thing - after thoroughly analyzing the list, while Fetterman does indeed dress like a homeless Frankenstein’s monster, he is not one of the five worst-dressed people on it. In fact, some of the outfits are so preposterous I decided to host my own awards show to celebrate the inanity of some of the looks.
Therefore, let me be the first to welcome you to the 1st annual Comstockians!
Drum roll, please…
Award for best “Most Likely to Flash Small Children in a School Playground”:
Who would have thought “creepy local pedo in a trenchcoat” would have been red carpet-worthy? But it is 2022, so I shouldn’t be too surprised. In this case, the flashing is most likely in the form of a good old-fashioned mooning since the slit is in the back, so at least the kids playing kickball have that going for them.
Award for best “Staircase Worn On Head”:
Andrés in ‘Los Espookys’
I have been trying to develop plausible theories for why this character is wearing a staircase on his head. Here’s what I got so far:
Andrés moved from his hometown outside of Topeka, where he was widely misunderstood as a child, growing up in his conservative Christian town. He moved to New York City three months ago to chase his dream of becoming the greatest wearable furniture designer in history. After moving into his 100-square-foot closet (which passes as a bedroom), he discovered that he had a miniature roommate in the form of a little mouse he decided to name Karl, after his fashion idol, Karl Lagerfeld. Besides being a good snuggle buddy to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Karl likes to sit with Andrés while eating dinner at the communal apartment dining room table.
In late January, Andrés notices that Karl is looking a little lean because of the scarcity of food during the winter months and decides the best way to remediate the situation is for Karl to join him at the table for evening meals. However, Andrés faces a dilemma: he is allergic to both mice and cheese, so he can touch neither. His solution? Put his wearable furniture skills to good use!
Andrés asks one of his roommates to buy a wedge of cheese and leave it on the dining room table so when dinner time rolls around, he can let Carl ambulate up and down the “stairs hat” he has created. Along with helping Karl, this has a great chance of going viral, thus killing two birds with one stone.
I stand by this being the most likely theory.
For more free fashion advice, give this a share. I promise you’ll regret it, but your friends and family will get a good laugh at your expense, so you’ll be doing a good deed, or a mitzvah, as the chosen people say.
How is sharing this connected to my fashion advice? No idea; go with it.
Award for best “I Just Came From a Mother/Daughter Ballet Recital”:
I mean, put in a little effort. If you’re going to go straight from ballet to a public event, do more than throw on an overly long, sheer black cape. You’re better than that, Emma.
Award for best “OMG, A Crustacean Is About To Eat My Head!!!!!”:
There is no one, and I mean no one, who loves Honey Dijon more than I do, yet it’s consistently relegated to the second-class status of condiments, behind the ranks of clearly lesser sauces like ranch and yellow mustard. Finally, HD is getting its much-deserved place in the sun. And as one of the year’s most stylish to boot…I always said HD was sexy, but this was more than I could have hoped for.
You can imagine my dismay when I realized it was actually DJ Honey Dijon who made the list. Once I recovered from my disillusionment, I realized that there was a giant shrimp with human eyes on the side of its head that was about to devour her head.
If this is the next evolution of shrimp, I, for one, welcome our new crustacean overlords.
Award for best “Wear To Your Epileptic Best Friends Birthday Party As A Practical Joke”:
I didn’t realize “human disco ball” was on-trend this year. Imagine my surprise.
Award for best “Why”:
In college, there was a cargo train that passed near my school. At its slowest, it probably traveled ten miles per hour or so and seemed like it would be easy to hop onto. A buddy and I would joke about getting a case of beer and riding it until the end of the line, like old-time hobos.
One day in the spring semester of our senior year, he showed up at my apartment with the beer, stating, “we’ve been talking about it since Freshman year; it’s now or never.” I informed him there are some things you talk about as serious objectives to achieve in life and other things that are just stupid bullshit you talk about when you’re high and that the train-riding fell into the latter category. Additionally, it was likely a felony. After coming to his right mind, he reconsidered, and we spent the afternoon smoking weed, playing Mario Kart, and talking about riding the train.
While Mr. Chalamet was getting dressed for whatever event this was, was there any part of him that thought, “you know, Timmy, some things are just better ideas when you’re high?”