Want that Sexy Hitler Body? You've Come To The Right Place
Want that Sexy Hitler Body? You've Come To The Right Place
A letter to our gym members
I want to give a big thank you to everyone who shared my last post through the Substack Notes button. I saw several new subs through that.
So as a reminder, if you would be so kind as to hit that button at the bottom, it would be much appreciated.
Or just give me a like by clicking the heart, as I’m pretty sure that helps with Substack’s algorithm.
Also, you can follow me on the X here.
Shameless self-promotion over…on to why you came here.
Dear Gym-ghis Khan Members,
As devoted members of both our cause and gym, I regret to inform you that one of the two vital elements of our eugenicist plot has been discovered.
Fortunately, the first prong of our plan, code-named “Project Cartman,” continues apace. Over the past several decades, our efforts to destroy the left-wing sissies through our “body positivity” propaganda (69% of US adults are now overweight, with 36% being obese) have been a success beyond our wildest dreams.
Thank you all for your dedication to this project.
While we have been endeavoring to destroy their bodies, we have been equally as insistent that you build yours; all this aligns with the precepts of the second component of our plan, code-named “That’s a Nazi body you’ve got there.”
However, notwithstanding our efforts to keep this plan as secret as the Los Alamos nuclear tests, the ingenious sleuths at various left-wing publications have blown the proverbial lid off of our project.
You have to hand it to these liberal pussies…in between cutting teenage girls’ breasts off and their Stasi-esque covid policies, they occasionally uncover some real scoops. Just check out these headlines…
As The Guardian’s James Ball wrote in his piece, which is worthy of an All The President’s Men level of investigative journalistic praise, “One minute you’re doing the downward dog, the next you’re listening to conspiracy theories about Covid or the new world order. How did the desire to look after yourself become so toxic?”
Damn you, James. You’re like a one-man Church Hearing rolled into a Nuremberg Trial, surrounded by a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. I have to tip my hat to you begrudgingly, sir. Well done…
Due to these unfortunate changes in circumstances, the management team (better known to you as the Kommunication & Koordination Kommittee) has decided to come out from the fascist shadows and simply own it.
So, moving forward, rather than trying to couch our fitness programs using euphemisms like “HIIT Workout” or “Spin Class,” we will now honor those who have come before us and model all our programs after the very depots we hope the years of training our mind, body, and souls will allow us to become.
In honor of that change, here is the new gym schedule:
Don’t be Stalin; get moving: Step class
As has been well documented, women had it far better in the Soviet Union than they do in weak 2023 America. So ladies, let’s get those buns burning in honor of the man who was not scared to murder all his political opponents to give you the freedom (and tight ass) you’ve always wanted.
Hitler that heavy bag: Boxing workout
As intrepid reporter Cynthia Miller-Idriss reported in her insightful MSNBC column, Why the far-right is really into home fitness, she notes, “Physical fitness has always been central to the far right. In “Mein Kampf,” Hitler fixated on boxing and jujitsu, believing they could help him create an army of millions whose aggressive spirit and impeccably trained bodies, combined with “fanatical love of the fatherland,” would do more for the German nation than any “mediocre” tactical weapons training.”
The whopping three boxing and one jiujitsu references in his autobiography indeed count as fixation, so let’s give the people what they ask for.
If you want a chance to keep those Antifa fatties in line once we deploy our new Austin-witz, Boston-wald, and Flori-burg camps, you need to keep that right hand sharp, and there’s no better way to train than the way our Furer would want you to.
Kim Jung Un(derwater swimming)
Here is a little-known fact - Kim Jung Un didn’t trust anyone but himself to keep the secrets of how a utopian vision was established on the Korean peninsula. So Un, in the ultimate sign of selfless service to the North Korean citizenry, did the only thing he could feasibly do protect to them…he perfected his breaststroke to such a degree that he personally patrols the vast seas adjacent to North Korea.
Do you know why defense departments never discuss the North Korean Navy? With Un patrolling the seas, they don’t need one. He is like the Korean Michael Phelps, if Phelps was a one-man aircraft carrier, nuclear sub, and frogman rolled into one.
Let’s hope he can swing by and give us some tips!
Are You Hussein? Of course, you can meditate!
Remember how the BBC initially portrayed Saddam’s hiding place after the fall of Iraq?
How do you think he could lie perfectly still, with just a tiny fan blowing on his head for seven months? He was reading Sam Harris’s meditation books and getting in touch with his inner chi.
If you want to survive your (unlikely) disposition as an authoritarian leader, you might want to consider learning the Saddam meditation method.
Mao Tai-Chi Kune Do
Any dominant political movement needs its own kick-ass martial art. What better place to start than to combine the martial art of Chairman Mao’s homeland, Tai-Chi, and Jeet Kune Do, the martial art of Mao’s favorite movie star, Bruce Lee?
If you want to learn how to knock out a pencil-necked snowflake while simultaneously relocating their entire family to the countryside, where they will starve to death, make sure to start Mao Tai-Chi June Do today!
Gaddafi Pole Dance Class
Along with his love of torture chambers and airline bombings, Muammar loved to shake dat ass. According to Wikileaks, his family members paid for the likes of Mariah Carey, Usher, and even the Queen Bey herself to perform at private parties.
If you don’t think a Libyan dictator with an all-female security detail knows how to work a pole, you should turn in your membership card.
The Pinochet High-Intensity Interval Training
As if he wasn’t awesome enough already, Amnesty International says that Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet loved to electrocute people.
What they happened to leave out of their reporting was that he was only trying to prod people (pun, most certainly, intended) to keep up with his famously strenuous HIIT workouts.
Note: Only the fittest among should attempt these classes. If you can’t do at least 20 Batista Burpees, don’t even consider this class.
Of course, the only way for us to create a true alt-right utopia is to consider the whole ethnonational person. Therefore, we have established several additional services to ensure you can march up and down those liberals’ faces from here until eternity.
Che’s Guevara Guava Health Bar
Smoothies, protein bars, wheatgrass shakes (grown on top of the mass graves of our enemies)… we’ve got it all at the Guevara Guave Health Bar!
Papa Doc Physical Therapy
In honor of the third greatest doctor in world history (after Drs. Fauci and Jill Biden), our physical therapy space is named in honor of Haitian dictator François “Papa Doc” Duvalier.
After graduating from the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health, Duvalier would become the dictator of the small island nation. “Papa Doc” would want all his alt-right descendants to ensure their knees and backs are in proper working order to ensure world domination comes as efficiently and pain-free as possible.
Pol Pot(ery)
Trying to collectivize an entire country while murdering all the intelligencia along with a quarter of a country's population can cause stress for the most Zen among us, Brother Number One, included. Anyone who has seen the classic 1990 movie, Ghost, knows that pottery is a great stress reliever.
If you need some time to yourself while planning for the enslavement and/or genocide of the lesser races, consider our pottery class.
Bonus points if you bring jars of your enemy’s blood for dying your creation to truly personalize it.
Once again, thank you all for your determination in this effort. Even though our “fitness to alt-right” strategy has been uncovered, I still feel as strongly as ever that destiny belongs to us.
Onward…
_Brother Comstock
Want that Sexy Hitler Body? You've Come To The Right Place
You have uncovered a (lack of) movement that will finally end the left! They will get fatter and fatter as they continue to flatter and flatter each other about it. They will graduate to type 2 diabetes and their limbs will fall off, making it harder to parade around with protest signs. Of course not all obese people are leftists, and not all leftists are obese, but leftists love to celebrate body positivity above the gross insensitivity of pointing out health risks to the overweight. I say we stop the fat shaming and save the republic.
Is nothing left untrammeled? I wasn't aware until now that physical fitness is aligned by the misaligned with crypto fascism. Thanks to the wisdom of this post, I now understand what Lizzo means when she says "democracy dies in darkness... cast by my shadow."