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The argument for letting your boss read your mind
Heeeellllllloooooo, Sub/Verses people. Just a quick update in case you missed it. Yesterday, I kicked off a Sub/Verses referral program with kick-ass prizes based on the number of family and friends you refer to the Substack.
If I’m being honest, you should replace “kiss-ass” with “mediocre” and “prizes” with “chachkies,” but I am nothing if not a great marketer.
Details on the program are in the post linked below…
Let’s return to one of my favorite topics…the lizard people at the World Economic Forum-
I missed this then, but at their conference in January, there was a session called Ready for Brain Transparency? Hosted by technology ethicist Nita Farahany and the CEO of The Atlantic, Nicholas Thompson.
The session description was:
The promise of neurotechnology to improve lives and to gain insight into the human brain is growing. How can we uphold data privacy and personal freedom as we make strides towards a world of brain transparency?
I am a big tech optimist and think technology has almost unlimited power to make our lives better…so let’s give this a shot, I figured.
I should change the previous sentence to the past tense because after watching the session, I favor nuking every data center on Earth. Specifically, I want to focus on the introductory two-minute video that introduces us to our future workplace hellscape:
A couple of highlights from this “You definitely have nothing to worry about because your boss is a great person and would never intrude on your personal thoughts to grind out an extra 2% from you each day” video.
Let’s call the lady in the video Debbie.
1- Debbie checks out her theta brainwave activity to see her stress levels increasing as some deadline was coming up, which she was probably late for because she was too busy figuring out which two Tinder dates she would invite over for the surprise menage that night.
Did she need to see her brainwaves to know she was stressed? Apparently, the fact that her sphincter almost gave way was not clue enough about her apprehension.
Let’s consider other use cases for this technology, shall we?
One night Mrs. Comstock slips on her new lingerie and comes out of the bathroom looking fiiiiiiine (as usual, of course). I think I’m turned on, but how can I know? It’s nearly impossible for a guy to tell if he’s horny without checking his brainwaves, amiright? So, I put in my earpiece, fire up my laptop, and Viola…turns out the bone wave is at an 11. Luck lady!
Good thing I had that brainwave thing; otherwise, Mrs. Comstock might have missed out on the time of her life.
2- While ensuring she was stressed an hour ago, Betty notices something concerning about her brainwave activity (her government school taught her how to examine brainwave data right after gym and before explaining how men can use tampons).
She decides to send the data to her doctor for examination because the same physicians who have cared the US right to a 5,017 BMI will undoubtedly be able to analyze your brain data and precisely tell you what’s wrong.
3- Then Betty starts thinking, “Maybe I should invite the new guy Carl tonight and just make it a straight gangbang,” until the office mind reader figures out her plan and reminders her that” “intra-office bukake parties are strictly forbidden.”
4-Next, Betty’s boss sends her a note congratulating her for her great brain metrics!
We’ve been through enough Harvey Weinstein’s and Matt Lauer’s to know where this ends up. Oooooooooooh….you like the perfume Betty’s brainwaves are wearing? Did Betty’s brainwaves get a haircut? Are Betty’s brainwaves free to get a drink one night after work?
Betty’s brainwaves are not your plaything, you sexist pig! (Who am I kidding…by the time this technology comes out, there won’t be any men in the workplace anymore anyway).
5- Betty takes a bus home.
This is truly a dystopian nightmare.
6-If Betty didn’t think she was in hell before her bus ride, she did when she walked into the office to find that the government subpoenaed her brainwave data because someone had embezzled company funds. In the future, looking through phone records and e-mails is not good enough to prove collusion of a crime; the authorities will need to find “synchronized brainwave activity” to see if anyone else was in on it.
That seems like a full-proof way to determine if the scammer had an accomplice. I have to assume that Tom Cruise is the lead agent on this…
So it seems the pitch here is that in return for not having to use a mouse and being able to start Spotify with your mind, your boss gets to read all your thoughts.
Where do I sign-up?